– SAD –

Sometimes I’m sad…..I’m talking soul tearing, heartbreaking, crying rivers of tears on the bathroom floor sad. I work really, really hard at being happy. It’s seriously a full time job for me.

Each day I try to focus on the beauty in life around me. The steam rising off my coffee, the flowers that are blooming, the cotton candy pink clouds of sunset. Mostly, it works. I live a pretty awesome life filled with wonderful friends and lots of amazing adventures. I take the time to do things that I’m truly passionate about and fill my soul with fuel. But occasionally I’m hit in with what feels like a full body slam of sadness.

At the end of the day we walk alone….yes, some chose to walk along with us, but ultimately we all walk alone. Single parenting leaves me feeling especially alone sometimes. Parenting is a staggering responsibility. When kids are little it’s the magnitude of the physical work, lack of sleep, endless diaper changes, laundry, that seems to drown us. But as my boys are getting older it’s the reality of life, big choices they face, helping them learn responsibility and see the consequences of the path they choose to walk that feels so large a challenge.

And at the end of the day this is something that I must handle on my own. When life throws curve balls, big disappointments, scary fears…..I’m alone at the end of the day wading through the largeness of life. And only someone that knows what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night struggling for breath when there is no one there to comfort you, to tell you it’s going to be okay, knows how hard it is to get up that next day and somehow do it all over again. Some days I feel so, so alone…

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be real, and sometimes that isn’t pretty. Social media tends to give us all the pretty pictures that make our lives look oh so perfect…like Barbie’s house. But life is messy, it’s dirty and it’s definitely not perfect. Pain and sadness unlocked so much creativity for me.

Art was something that allowed me to express emotions that were too deep for words. I’m thankful for that pain because it has made me who I am, and most days I’m pretty content and happy with who that is.

Art is something that I use to process my emotions on a daily basis. If I’m not painting, I’m thinking of painting, or I’m just seeing the world through colors and textures. I sometimes wonder what a non-artist sees when they look through their eyes…..is it anything like what I see?

So I’m working on finding my happy. This isn’t something anyone can do for me…it’s a path that I must walk alone. If I teach my kids anything important I hope that sticks with them. Sometimes we have to fight tooth and nail for that happiness….but it’s worth it.